


Yuri off Ice: A love story

by LostRealist



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Love, M/M, Slow Build, True Love, deep connection to original work, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-11-18 21:34:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11299290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostRealist/pseuds/LostRealist
Summary: For Yuuri figure skating is not just his one and only passion, it actually consumes his whole life and that's exactly what he wants, because there are things, with which he doesn't want to be confronted. Yet, as Yuuri realizes that Viktor is not just his idol, that he in fact loves the slightly older man from the bottom of his heart, he can't hide any longer in figure skating and has to face his feelings instead and see that figure skating and his love for Viktor are one and the same, which he has to accept and allow, so that one day his feelings might actually reach Viktor.





	1. Prologue: A hearts secret

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Yuri off Ice: A love story](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/302220) by Me actually :'D. 



> Hey. :)  
> Here it finally is: my Yuri on Ice fanfiction. ;D  
> It's originally written in german, so I translated it. My english should be kinda okay, but it's not my first language. So I apologize for any mistakes and I would love to get feedback about any mistakes that I made! Also I'm sorry if some parts might not be that good to understand or are written in a weird way. My writing style in german is a bit difficult and it was even harder to translate it into english.^^ I hope that most of it is understandable though.^^ I tried my best. :)  
> Have fun reading. :*
> 
> A little note: I'm staying really true to the anime with this fanfiction. It's basically a written version of the anime with a lot mor feelings and thoughts and scenes that I imagined in between events of the anime. :)

Prologue: A hearts secret

I am Yuuri Katsuki. Some part of my story you already know.

But it all started way earlier and it happened a lot more, in me, in us, in the background, along the way. So much more. Everything. Life. Yes, exactly that life, that I always somehow tried to hide from, because I couldn't really handle it...

When you have a dream, it's hard to balance everything. Though that's just if you want to balance everything. From the start I believed it would be better to fully concentrate on my dream.

That's what they always say, don't they? If you feel a really deep passion for something, you should fully get yourself into it and there should not, could not be anything else. Nothing else was allowed. This passion, this dream should become everything, should fill your whole life.

Only like that one could be effectively successful and make their dream come true.

That's what I thought.

That's what I thought as I started figure skating back then. That's what I thought every time, when I entered the ice. That's what I thought, when I lay in my bed at night and looked at the outlines of the posters of Viktor Nikiforov.

Figure skating was his whole life too, wasn't it? It was everything for him. For that reason he was that good. It was his passion, the only thing in his life that really had meaning. It consumed him and it had turned him into this perfect man, whom I admired so so much, to whom I looked up to so so much and to whom I could never live up to.

I could have finally met him. At the grand prix finale I could have finally met him.

He even had noticed me, had asked me, if I wanted to take a photo with him. A photo. A damn photo.

I would have liked to take a photo with him, would have liked to actually meet him, talk to him, maybe even hug him. I would have really really liked that.  
But I hadn't earned that. Neither to skate on the same ice as him nor to even be noticed by him. I wasn't worthy of him, his time, anything from him, in any way. I didn't come up to his perfection. I... was not good enough.

Since Yu-chan had shown Viktor to me back then, coming up to Viktor, living up to his perfection was everything that mattered.

At first it was nothing more than a childish dream. I had seen him on this TV screen and it was like a lightning strike had hit me, shot through me and I instantly knew that this boy, which he still had been back then, would determine my whole life from that moment onward.

Seen through the eyes of a child it had felt exactly like that for me back then. But children were easy to enthuse. Children easily felt the deepest passions for all sorts of things. To see Viktor figure skate, it only strengthened what had already been there.

Still, even back then, it had already been much more than sheer childish enthusiasm. I had felt it. Everyone had felt that. Back then I already lived for figure skating and for the moment, when I some day would compete against Viktor.

Now... my childhood and lifetime dream had failed. Now I had messed it all up.

Sighing I rolled onto my back, stretched my arms out beside me and now, instead of all the pictures of Viktor Nikiforov that decorated the walls of my room, I stared at the white ceiling.

Through figure skating my life actually began. The second I saw Viktor on TV, my fate had been decided.

It had never just been a childhood dream, had never been childish, not for even one second. It had been the most intense something that I ever felt in my whole life and it still was until this very day.

I put my hand over my heart, felt it beat and knew that, even though I failed, it still and always was and always will be beating for figure skating and for Viktor.

Yes, my heart was beating for Viktor.

Even at the start it probably hadn't only been fanlove. Surely it became more and more over time, but it had all been there from the start, the basic approach for it at least. I had still been a child, of course I first and foremost looked up to him. But there had always been more.

I named my dog after him, put all these posters of him up in my room, gotten deeper and deeper into figure skating and copying Viktors programs.

It really took over my whole life, swallowed everything else.

It was good like this. It should be like this.

It was fate. Yes, it was my fate.

Nothing else mattered. Nothing else had any meaning.

I buried my face with my hands and took a deep breath.

Sometimes one reaches a point where one can't deceive oneself anymore, a point where the truth caught up and one can no longer defend oneself, can no longer hide, is unprotectedly exposed to the truth.

In Detroit I thought that I could even better suppress everything that wasn't figure skating, everything that made me anxious and could instead lose myself even more, because in figure skating, in Viktor I had found myself, my fate, my whole life and I wanted and had to give everything for it. Absolutely everything.

Nonetheless I had failed. Nonetheless it hadn't been enough. Nonetheless I hadn't been able to withstand the pressure.

Something was missing.

Something was missing in my life.

The last polish. The final touch. The dot on the i. The cherry on top. The last missing puzzle piece.

In my obsession I didn't had time to search for that, to deal with it. I had even willfully pushed it away from me, as far as possible. And every time it sneaked itself back into my consciousness, every time it was shown to me completely open and directly, downright punched me in the face, I had pushed it away even further.

But it was like a rubber band. In the end it was inside me and it would always return to that place. It was not something that I could ignore or suppress, no matter how hard I tried, how good it worked most of the time. It was always there.

And it hindered me from giving everything. It hindered me from... really living. _I_ hindered myself from really living.

That, what I saw as my life – ice skating and my passion for this sport – stood in the way of this thing, this missing something, stood in the way of itself. What hindered me to live my dream, was figure skating itself, because it hindered me from finding this missing something, which hindered me from living my dream. Like a circle, just spinning around and around.

My life... My life apart from figure skating and my obsession for Viktor had just been flashing by. I had let it just flash by on purpose. I hadn't wanted anything else except figure skating.

School, I kinda managed that somehow along the way. And Yu-chan had been there from the start and was still part of it. My family supported me, then and now. There hadn't been a reason to think about something else and even if there would have been, I wouldn't have wanted it anyhow.

And now... here I was and didn't know how to go on.

I only had figure skating. That was the only thing I had. I had given everything for that, had put my heart into it, all my power and energy, every single second. I was my figure skating. Without that... I was nothing.

That there were other things that were part of life, somehow... I didn't want to know. Neither now nor back then.

Except from school I really didn't wanted to see, to think, to feel and to experience anything else. Just figure skating. Just that.

But life wasn't that easy, right? One couldn't cling to just one thing, no matter how hard one was trying. There were always other things too. Always. Even if something was ones center point of life and was infilling everything, filling oneself completely, there were things that interfered, things that tumbled it, tumbled oneself, tumbled me.

Figure skating had always been my personal guard, my personal protection. Behind my passion and obsession, my all fulfilling hobby I had hidden a lot. Above all there was one thing that I could conceal for a long while, that I even could forget: my fear.

My fear to fail, to fail at life. My fear that it wasn't enough, would never be enough. My fear for everything that wasn't figure skating.

Oh yes, I had hidden from the brutal reality in figure skating.

For some time I had had a crush on Yu-chan. Before Viktor she had been my absolute idol and ideal. I had wanted to be like her. She had been my measurement of things. I had looked up to her, had admired her and I would have liked to kiss her and hold her hand. I had wanted to be her special someone.

That had lasted for somehow a kinda long time, this wish hidden deep inside my heart.

As she had gotten together with Nishigori, I had cried almost a whole night. After that I had spent a whole day with figure skating and pushed my lovesickness far far away and decided to be happy for them instead.

It wouldn't have worked out with us anyway. For me the only thing that mattered was figure skating. There wasn't anything else for me.

And Viktor. There was Viktor.

He existed as posters on my wall. He existed as the perfection of a figure skater on TV. He existed as a framed picture on my desk so that I never forgot what figure skating meant to me.

And he existed in my dreams.

Yes, he was part of my most intimate dreams.

No, with most intimate I don't just mean figure skating and my biggest and earnest dream to be one day proudly on the same level with my idol.

Yes, I mean that kind of dreams that make ones whole body hot and tingly. That kind of dreams that make one moan and do dirty things.

The first time that I realize how attached, how in fact turned on I actually was by Viktor was when I was like 14 or 15. It was the first time that the tingling was really intense and my body was not just leaving it at that tingling. From that point on it only got worse and worse.

It was kinda ironic somehow, I guess.

I had been hiding in figure skating from all of that, so that I didn't had to face my insecurity and my fears. All the moments that I had been very interested in either Yu-chan, some other girls too or, yeah, some boys and had really longed for closeness and touch and, yeah, romantic love, I had been able to ignore all of that really good during figure skating, had even been able to express it in a way.

Of course I could do that with Viktor too – express my feelings for him through figure skating. With him it even worked a whole lot better as with all my previous, suppressed feelings for others. It was so deeply connected, quasi one and the same for me – figure skating and Viktor.

But that also was the problem with it.

Figure skating was basically my love for Viktor. It belonged inseparably together. My obsession for Viktor was figure skating and the other way around. There was no escaping from it.

And that... that unsettled me in the most disturbing ways.

It had unsettled me? No, in a way it still did until today.

I... I had been hiding from accepting that very thing. And then... then out of all things Viktor, who was so deeply connected with my hide-out, turned out to be my biggest desired object. As if it wasn't already enough that he was unreachable anyway. That I would never be as good as him.

No, of course that wasn't enough. I had to even be irrevocably in love with him too. Really and truly in love.

Of course no one knew how deeply and badly my feelings actually were. Of course I didn't talk to anyone about that. Of course it was my best protected secret.

And of course it lead to making my insecurity and also the pressure continue to grow and grow. Not just on the level of publicity and the pressure to perform and everything like that, but also on a very emotional, too private and too deep and painful level.

Yes, it hurt.

It hurt so badly not being good enough. It hurt so badly that Viktor was that unreachable, in every single aspect.

I would never accomplish anything, because I couldn't even accept my real, terribly deep love for this perfect man.

My life was one big pile of shit.

Yuri Plisetsky was right. I should just quit, should just retire.

I couldn't continue like this. Continuing didn't make any sense like this. I reached my end.

But that's the problem with things deeply rooted in your heart – one couldn't just simply stop, couldn't simply let go. It was impossible to resist. Impossible to resist fate.

So I didn't gave up. No, not at any second had I given up. I could not give up!

Harder than ever I worked on myself and I would show that to Yu-chan tomorrow. And then... whatever would come after that.

I... I had to find my way back. Back to this spark from the very start. Back to the thing that my life was composed of, that it really was composed of – this love that I carried with me in my heart, this love for figure skating and Viktor, which was one and the same love. To that very something I had to find my way back and from there... from there the whole world would open up to me.

Maybe that would only happen in my head, only in my heart, in me myself – this opening up of the whole world. But that was okay. Yeah, that really was okay.

It was enough, when I could feel it. For the moment it really was enough, when I felt it.

Yu-chan should be the first one to feel it too and from there... from there the future was still laying in complete darkness.

I hadn't given myself up, wasn't even close to doing so. The same applied to my dream. No, because that would mean to give up my heart and that was something I could never do.

Because, who knows, maybe what I carried with me deep in my heart, could someday actually reach Viktor.

 

 


	2. Right in front of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever imagined what would happen if your biggest dream actually became true and the person you've admired for almost your whole life suddenly notices you and even flies all the way to your country to meet you and tell you that they'll be your coach from now on? Well, Yuuri hadn't imagined that and he surely never had thought that such a crazy thing would happen for real. But there he was with Viktor suddenly being his coach and his whole world now a reality that he never even had hoped to dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! :)  
> Sorry that it's been so long since the last update! I wanted to post the first chapter much earlier, because it was already finished, but I got so caught up in learning for university and I just didn't had time to do it. Stupid excuses, but well, can't be helped. From now on though I'll try to update every two weeks! I hope that I can manage that, because translating my own stuff is really fun and yeah, I can see that some people have fun reading it, so. :)  
> Have fun reading. :*

Chapter 1: Right in front of me

I never had thought that it would happen so soon, that it would be so... easy. Never in my life had I seen that coming.

It had felt so good to see Yu-chan again and to show her what I had practiced since I had failed that miserably. My heart, I had shown her my heart.

Actually I had also wanted to tell her that I regretted being away for so long and that I regretted never telling her what I had felt for her, that I would have liked to kiss her, that I would have liked to get so much closer to her and how grateful I was to her that she had shown Viktor to me and through doing that completed my meaning of life.

I hadn't skated the copy of Viktors program only for Viktor. I also skated for Yu-chan. I skated for my heart. It was my heart that I had shown her. For that reason she was the person that had to see it first.

Maybe she would be the only one to ever see it.

I haven't fully decided that at the moment. Right now I didn't want to decide that at all. I needed to take a breather, needed... I don't know. To find my way to myself? Maybe. Yeah, maybe that was it.

Of course ice skating basically was me! But... Yeah, there still were other things and I really should finally stop to ignore them.

But before I could even think of the words that I wanted to say to Yu-chan, Nishigori and their children appeared and showed their enthusiasm for my performance and just like that the moment was already over.

It was fine. It had always been fine. My feelings might have reached Yu-chan a little bit through my ice skating. A little bit at least.

I had also reached a little bit by now. Maybe I could actually reach a little bit more, accomplish a little bit more. Just a little bit more. Step by step, piece by piece.

I immersed myself in training, got my body back into shape, stopped to pity myself and stopped being depressed. That had never been any good or done any good.

What my performance, which originally was only meant for Yu-chans eyes, would lead to... Not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined something like that!

I chased my dream, the meaning of my life, sure I did, but I never really had been the biggest dreamer. I had fought for what I wanted, had poured my heart into it. I hadn't just simply dreamed about it, I had fought hard for it.

And as that seemed to not be enough, I would work even harder from now on! Not by any means had I lost that already – my will, my ambition, my pride. Oh no, I'll never let any of that be taken away.

About Viktor, about Viktor I was dreaming.

About his returning of my love. About that I constantly dreamed. But those were hopeless dreams, I just couldn't cut this dreaming off. It was nothing that would ever turn into reality. None of these secret imaginations and wishes would ever turn into actions. I could only dream of that. Therfore it was something different.

Well, what reality offered me then, was beyond everything that I could ever have dreamed, by far.

It wasn't like I woke up in a dream, like reality had turned into a dream. No, it was more like reality had been bend and was now completely deformed.

And how deformed it was! This... This was just... This just simply wasn't possible! How could that be!? HOW?!

Who had done that? Who had taken my reality and bend it so much that it even went so far beyond my wildest, my best dreams! Really, who has dreams that to them are so so so unrealizable that they suddenly became true in an even more unrealistic way!?!?

Maybe I had slipped into a coma or I had really crazy fever dreams. Any other explanation... Any other explanation just wasn't possible!

For that reason I could do nothing else but stare at him with an open mouth the whole time. I think I didn't even blink once since I had found him in our Onsen. HE HAD COME TO THIS PLACE, TO JAPAN! BECAUSE OF ME! HOW EVEN!?

T-That just couldn't be! I really wanted to just pinch his arm again and again to convince myself that he was real.

Of course that wasn't something I could do. There was no way I could just pinch his arm! How could I even be in the same room with him!? How could he even be here?! How!?!?

In my head I still heard Yu-chans voice from the moment she told me that she was sorry about her girls filming my performance from yesterday and putting it online. The voices of everyone else were also still in my head: How they told me that the video had gone viral. How they had told me that it had been shared on every social media. How they had blamed me for not having told them about my practice of copying Viktors program, which I had done so many times before, but this time in a... somehow perfected way. That's what it seemed to be at least.

Also I still saw myself, how I had clicked and watched the video, how unbelievably many views it had. And then how Viktors poodle had jumped at me.

But above all, above all I heard and saw Viktor in my head: How he had told me that he would be my coach from now on. How he had stood naked in the Onsen and looked at me, pointed at me, WINKED AT ME!

I was still really dizzy. I couldn't... I couldn't believe it. Never, never ever was this...

But he was sitting right here, right in front of me. HE WAS SITTING RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

MY GODDAMNED, ABSOLUTE IDOLE SINCE I CAN THINK WAS SITTING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, IN MY GODDAMNED HOME! HOW!!!  
  
“Ah, I've eaten so much, I'm more than full”, he sighed, yawned and stretched himself, before he just laid down right beside the table and closed his eyes. Makkachin laid down beside him. And I just starred at both of them, not able to turn my eyes away from this man. How could he be here!? How!?

His behavior wasn't really helping. It just made it all... even more unreal, even more deformed.

Yes, my reality hasn't just been deformed, it still was deforming more and more.

Viktor actually liked my favorite food and in the same moment he reminded me that he now was my coach and I really should loose some weight. Bluntly he told he that I wasn't allowed to eat any more Katsudon until I had won something. He... He... really was here.

And he would stay. He-He would stay here. He...

Shit. Shit, I couldn't believe this! How the...!? How even...?!

I helped my sister to carry Viktors stuff into the room, in which he would stay for now, and then... then I suddenly was alone with him. I mean, alone again. Outside at the Onsen, as I had found out that he was here, that he was here because of me, there we had been alone too. But there I hadn't realized absolutely anything.

Now... I still hadn't realized anything.

Of course I knew that it wasn't a dream. Dreams were crazy and Viktor had already been part of some of the craziest. Of the most fantastic and most unrealistic. Of the most dreamy dreams ever. Impossible dreams that were just dreamed because they were dreams and would always bee dreams.

I had only dreamed that Viktor would come here. I had never dreamed that he would... would notice me like this. That he would come here because of me and would want to be my goddamn coach!!! How could I even had come up with such a dream!?!?

And wished for it, I never had wished for it either. Had I? I wasn't the kind of person that wasted their time with impossibilities and dreamy wishes. I always had fought for ice skating, had worked on me, to be able to be as good as Viktor.

Dreams only belong into reality if they were realizable.

What was Viktor doing in my reality then!? How...?!  
How did he manage to sneak his way in?

Okay, sneaking was the wrong word, even though he had come while I had still been sleeping.

He had more like crushed into my reality, made it explode. It was Viktor. He was doing this. He was deforming my reality.

“We need to get to know each other! I want to know everything about you! After all that's my duty as your coach – to know you inside out! Yuuri, hey, are you listening?”

Because I was still sitting on the floor breathing heavily from carring all these boxes and still really busy with this whole chaos inside of me, I had been listening to him, but couldn't answer immediately and so I just stared up at him. To stare at him – that was everything I could really do at the moment and damn, I wanted to stare at him all the time!

There was a reason why I did hung up all these posters of him in my room! Oh no, the posters, if he would see them...!

Suddenly Viktor was at eye level with me, he had knelt down and I opened my eyes wide, wider as I already had. What the...!? What was happening here?!

His hand, his hand was moving toward me. We were already really close and he... he moved his hand toward me. He... He t-touched me. H-His hand touched my face, my chin. A-And he came even closer. Even closer...

“Have you heard what I said? We need to get to know each other, deepen our bond”, he repeated with a deep, husky and tempting voice while he looked me so deep into the eyes that... that I...

As fast as I could I drew back as far as I could from him, which meant that I crashed hard into the wall on the corridor outside of the room.

“Haha, why so frightened?”, laughed Viktor.

“Ahm, n-no particular reason”, I mumbled, completely overwhelmed. My heart was beating so heavily and I felt really hot and everything was spinning and I surely was as red as a tomato. AND VIKTOR WAS REALLY HERE!

I just couldn't believe it! That just coudn't... No, no, no!

But he was standing here. In front of me. Right in front of me! He just stood there and smiled at me. He smiled at me. He was here because of me. He... What was this? What was this supposed to be? How the hell could this be?

I mean, I knew that he was my fate. He and ice skating, that was my fate.

B-But not like...! Not like this! This... How could this even...

This just wasn't real. This just really couldn't be my reality now. Viktor as my coach. MY coach.

Impossible. Just impossible.

But I heard him say it myself, multiple times. I... He was here. It was him. He had just touched me, had been that close to me. He really was here. All of this was really happening.

And how real all of this was – that's what I had to learn the hard way in the next few days.

For the first day... well, I still seemed to be alive. And slowly, really slowly I began to understand that all this was for some reason really happening. If it wasn't a dream, it could only be reality, right? If it was that impossible that I couldn't even dream it, it was reality. Weird, twisted logic. But yeah, that's how reality was.

Unbelievable... my... my feelings really had reached Viktor. I had performed his program on the ice and he had seen the video and had decided to be my coach...

Actually... actually it really was... my merit. My family, Minako, the whole world had shown that to me again and again today. He was... here because of me. Because of me!

That was... even more unbelievable than everything else.

And it... it was something that I really had wished for – that my feelings would someday actually reach him. Someday. SOMEDAY. Not immediately! How... F-For this... I wasn't ready for this!

“Yuuuuuuuuri!”, it knocked at the door of my room. Viktors voice. Viktors fucking voice!

Oh no, he couldn't by any means come in! As fast as I could I jumped up and stood before the door, because he would most definitely just throw the door open.

“Come on, let's sleep together!”, I heard him say. “You remember, I need to get to know you!” This man had a weird idea of getting to know one another. “Deepen our bond!”

Deepen, haha. I could not have any deeper feelings for him than I already had! I loved him already idolatrously! My room was wallpapered with goddamn posters of him! Posters that he would see any second, if he managed to just throw the door open.

Hastily I decided that it was better if I hurriedly put the posters down instead of trying to keep the door shut. In a matter of seconds I had collected all the posters and wanted to put them aside to continue keeping the door shut, but as my eyes fell on the poster on top, as I looked at Viktors image on this piece of paper...

In that moment I really realized it. He was here. Viktor was here. He was no longer just a poster on my wall. He was truly, in flesh and blood, here, in front of the door to my room.

“Okay, if you don't want to, we'll find another time. Good night!”, he said and I could hear by the sound of his feet that he was leaving.

A shiver went through my body. At the same time I was frozen, still completely overwhelmed by this realization. He was really really here. He was here...

I jumped up, threw the door to my room open and could see how he was just entering his room. I wanted to follow him, wanted to... Halfway to the door to his room I stopped, turned around again and walked back into my room and closed the door again.

My face buried in my hands I fell onto my bed, covering myself under my bedcover.

My heart was beating so fast that it felt like it wanted to set a new record in beating fast. I could really feel how warm my face was under my hands. An overwhelmed squeak escaped me, I just couldn't repress it. After that I managed to remove my hands from my face and just smiled a smile full of joy into the darkness of my room.

Viktor was here! Viktor had seen my performance which I had filled up with all my heart, all my feelings. He had seen my heart and for this reason... for this reason he had come here! He had come here because of me and he wanted to be my coach! My coach!

Unbelievable. Impossible. Incomprehensible.

This... I...

I was so so happy. Never... Never had I ever thought that something like this was possible.

I was so so so happy. Happier than I had ever been.

That it wasn't over at that, that nothing was over at that, that there was so much much more inside of me, I couldn't see that at all at this second. I was just so happy. So so happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that these starting chapters are kinda short. The following ones will get longer and longer for sure! I usually can't keep it short. xD  
> Thanks for reading and I hope you liked the chapter and maybe leave a little comment. :)
> 
> Reminder: English is only my second language, so yeah. ;D I'd be happy to get corrected if I made any mistakes. :)


	3. He wants to get to know me!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly, very very slowly Yuuri realizes that Viktor is now actually his coach. It's really hard for Yuuri to believe in this new reality in which Viktor now plays an even bigger and more direct part. It's the training that makes it all feel more real and Viktor more serious. And of course the self-doubt that starts building up in Yuuri again really fast...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :)  
> Here's a new chapter! :D It took me a bit by surprise that I actually found time to continue translating, but it's so much fun and ahhh, I hope that you'll like it and that there aren't too many mistakes. :'D  
> Have fun reading. :*

Chapter 2: He wants to get to know me!?

At the beginning I wasn't really sure if Viktor meant to be serious with all of it.

It just... didn't really make sense. It was already hard for me to realize that I had managed to get his attention and that he actually was here. And with his behavior he did not in any way make it any easier to believe.

Everything he did seemed so headless, unreasoning, and sudden in a kind of jumpy way. He had seen the video of me and had just decided to come here and be my coach? And just like that he moved in with us to be able to coach me?

That was totally crazy!  
  
On the other hand... he always set out to surprise everyone. With this action he definitely surprised everyone. Most of all me.

Still...

If this was really his only reason, if for him it was just about his reputation...

He also ruined a lot for himself with this, didn't he? On social media everyone was freaking out, because Viktor as a coach meant that he himself wouldn't stand on the ice. This shock definitely made him be on everyone's lips. And so was I. He for sure had achieved that.

But was it really something good, good publicity?  
  
Well, telling from the way Viktor was behaving, he surely would say that every publicity was good publicity. And as his scholar he for sure assured me a special place in the spotlight.

Me as Viktors scholar! He as my coach!  
How the hell had it even come to this!?!? I still couldn't understand it.

Bit by bit I understood that it seemed to be my new reality, but the reason... I didn't know the reason. Well, I knew the reason which everyone speculated about, knew the rumors, had my own thoughts, tried to read out of Viktors behavior. But... others and myself could make up a lot. What really was behind Viktors action...

I would have liked to ask him, but I couldn't. I was still way to overwhelmed, way to drunk from truly standing face to face with him as a person. Like this it was impossible for me to directly ask him something this personal. Especially since he probably wouldn't answer seriously anyway.

For me nothing that came out of his mouth sounded really serious anyway. Which might only have been that way, because I just still hadn't realized it. How could he suddenly be an even more direct, tangible part of my reality!? That... That was just...! I was at a complete loss for words about all of this.

Then it was shown to me here and there how serious he actually was.

Partly by the fact that he had come all the way from Russia to Japan, literally over night. And also his whole settling in with my family and me spoke of the seriousness of his venture. In a way him persisting on getting to know more about me, which caught me of guard every time, was proof too.

Above all these proofs he very clearly showed me how serious he was about the training and that I had to loose weight again and so on and so on. In this regard he really didn't do things by halves.

This made it a lot more real and believable that he really wanted to be my coach.

He trained me, worked out a hard and strict training schedule for me and made sure that I followed through with it and didn't cheat or anything like that which I wouldn't have done anyway, but he really kept an eye on it and didn't do things by halves in that regard either.

That made it all a whole lot more real. It was still terribly unreal. But seeing him driving on a bike right in front of me while I was running after him and heavily breathing – yeah, that sounded quite more real than all the other stuff.

Though I felt it the most when he let me take a break, a breather and something to drink. When my heartbeat had calmed down a bit and my body had settled a little, I looked over to him and I could see that this was just the start.

Like back when I had seen him on TV for the first time, he was about to turn my whole world upside down, to bend my whole life. And this time he was fully conscious of it. He was doing this himself, with his own hands, on purpose. He fully had me in his hands, had everything in his hands. And he knew it. He knew it.

“Do you maybe now want to tell me something about yourself?” Curiously he looked at me. His eyes shined so bright, he shined so bright. I felt completely blinded. “Do you have a girlfriend?”, he wanted to know.

W-What? Why was he asking such questions? Why did he want to know anything about me anyway? Why the hell was he even here?!

“No!”, escaped it from my mouth a little bit to loud and hasty.

“Then an ex-girlfriend?” He leaned closer to me, looking deeply into my eyes. He really seemed to want to read in me, to know more about me. But w-why was that? I wasn't even... interesting. I was...

“No!”, slipped it out of my mouth way to hasty again while I moved a bit away from him. Why did he also have to get so close to me? This... This wasn't something he should do! Not that I had anything against being direct, but he was overdoing it a bit too much.

“Okay, okay.” He let me have my space and even increased the distance a bit himself. “Then let's talk about me! So I had my first girlfriend with 14. A bit early, right? Ah, hm, but for you youngsters it's normal by now.”

“I'm not that much younger, you know”, I mumbled and hoped that he had not heard it, but of course he did.

“Well, then tell me! At what age did you have your first girlfriend?” This time he didn't lean closer to me, but he still was looking really interested. As if my answer to this question was a very important information to him.

What did he possibly want with such an information? This wasn't important at all.

Also... the answer was way too embarrassing. I couldn't tell him that.

Shit, in my thoughts, in my dreams it had always been him!

“Hm, well, okay, let me ask in a different way. Yuuko is cute, even though she is married now and has kids. There had been something between you two! I just know it! Oh and there is something about Minako too. You two are probably together?”, he mercilessly went on and on. This man really knew no shame.

“No and no again!” At this point I was almost angry. What was he even trying to achieve with this questions? If it continued like this, I'll end up screaming into his face that I for gods sake was in love with him since forever.

Shit, that really couldn't happen!

“Could we maybe stop talking about this, please?”, I asked quietly and a little bit ashamed. This whole thing made me really uncomfortable. Talking about love with Viktor. Haha. Really funny. Karma. Really really funny.

“Okay, fine”, Viktor sighed. “Then we continue with the training. Judging by your looks right now, we still have a lot ahead of us.”

Good. Training was good. Training made me realize and prevented him from asking more of these stupid questions. Training always helped, in every way. Training was invigorating, made one remember the simple act of breathing. Training was the perfect distraction: productive, build one's form and helped to focus on the goal, to forget everything else.

At least that's what I doggedly tried during training. In particular I tried to kinda ignore Viktor, not think too much about him, distract myself from him, not let all my attention be stuck on him all the time. That wasn't easy, not at all. Since he was my coach now...

To ''ignore'' Viktor, to not focus too much on him wasn't in any way easy to begin with, it was an impossibility through and through. But now he was also around me 24/7. He was there all the time. Always and everywhere. Not just in my thoughts, but as a person out of flesh and blood!

Shit, that just couldn't end good...

Had Viktor not thought about that when he had come here? That it maybe wouldn't work out? That I maybe wasn't good enough? That what he had seen in the video... might just have been an one time thing?  
I couldn't do that at the push of a button like I should. I couldn't just deliver. I...

He would be disappointed in me. He would be disappointed in me all along the line...

Wow, only like one day passed and this feeling of happiness about Viktor actually coming here because of me and being my coach, was already overshadowed by self-doubt...

I just never would... I never would be able to accomplish what he was expecting from me. What I had done in this video as I had lied my heart open in front of Yu-chan... I couldn't just do that offhandedly. That just wasn't possible.

I was so afraid of Viktor realizing that, seeing what I really was. All my mistakes, all my weaknesses... Not that he hadn't seen enough of that already at the Grand Prix finale, now he would also see it live and in training. Great... Just great...

Laying in bed I tortured myself with these thoughts and I didn't even have the posters on my wall anymore out of fear that Viktor would come in and see them all. So all I could do was stare at the ceiling and let myself be crushed by my fears.

Damn, I needed to know why Viktor was here, what he was thinking about all this, why this video of me performing his program had lead him to such a drastic step. I couldn't... Otherwise I couldn't just keep going. I needed to know and I needed to tell him that I didn't feel like I could ever live up to his expectations, that he was just way too good and I would never ever be like that, be like him.

I swallowed hard, pushed my bedcover aside and left my room, walked down the corridor and only stopped as I was in front of the sliding door to Viktors room. Deeply I breathed in and out, hold my hand up, knocked diffidently.

“Come on in, Yuuri”, come a voice from the inside right away which made me jump unprepared. I... I somehow had hoped that he was already asleep. How stupid, since I actually wanted to talk to him, even need to talk to him, urgently. Haha, I really really was afraid. And that fear I would actually face now, for the first time in my life I would actually face my fear.

Carefully I pushed the door aside and peeped into the room. Viktor was sitting on his bed, only the light to his right turned on. Makkachin was asleep beside his feet. I looked at the ground as he smiled at me. “Like I said, come on in.” His voice was gentle and a little bit amused too. I was acting really stupid, wasn't I?

Plucking up my courage I pushed the door all the way open, slipped into the room, closed the door and turned around to Viktor. I was awfully tense. My muscles almost hurt, that's how bad it was. I felt like a board, stiff and unable to bend or move in any way, since I also was frozen in place. What was I even doing here!?  
Talking about my fears with Viktor!? Asking him why he even was here, what he even wanted from me?! I COULD NEVER DO THAT!

Besides... why now of all times? I mean, I could have also done it tomorrow doing a break from training... Or something like that... Why the hell now? In the middle of the night?  
  
Uncertainly I looked at Viktors bed and had to swallow hard again. This... I hadn't really... N-No way would I be able to survive this!

To lay with him in his bed! I would... I would die! I would just die!

With my cheeks burning red I looked directly at Viktor who was weirdly quiet. He was still smiling and I just turned more red as I asked myself if he slept naked. Hadn't I read something like that about him in a magazine? Hadn't he said this in an interview? And was it true? Did he really sleep naked?

I started to feel weird. Dizzy. And hot.

“Come on now, Yuuri”, Viktor laughed. “I don't bite. Except you want me too, then I wouldn't hesitate for a second.”

“Not... funny”, I mumbled embarrassed and somehow managed to move my legs. I even managed to sit down on his bed, way way on the edge of his bed. Shit, I was shaking so much. I was so so afraid!

In my head the same stuff constantly repeated itself: I'm not ready yet. I can't do this. I can't just talk to him. I'm not ready yet. I can't do this. …

But I was here now. I was already here! Now I couldn't just leave again. Now I really had to face this.

“Hey, what's going on? You can tell me everything”, I heard Viktor say behind me and then he moved and I felt a light touch on my shoulder. Reflexively I turned around and almost fell of the bed. He was so close again. So damn close! My heart couldn't handle that at all.

“C-Could you maybe not... so close...”, I stuttered helplessly and held my shaky hands up. I was so terrible. Not even a little bit was I able to stay calm or hold my self together. Not this once and not even a little bit was I able to not let this perfect man trip me up. I was just awful.

“I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that you're apparently not used to this. I'll pull myself together. But please at least join me under the bedcover. You shouldn't get cold”, he said and sounded really mindful and worried.

How!? Who even was this man?!

Hesitantly I looked at the mattress under the bedcover that he was holding up for me. He seriously invited me to lay with him under the same bedcover and in the same bed. How!?!? This...

Now this was really something come to life right out of my fantasy. This was something I had dreamed about in all my forever staying dreams dreams. And he... he was just here and actually made me this offer. It really hadn't been any kind of joke what he had said about sleeping together the other night.

What the...!?

“Come on, Yuuri. Or you'll never get used to it”, he said gently and I stared at him. W-Was that really what he wanted? M-Me beside him under the blanket, in one and the same bed? H-How could this be? This just wasn't...!  
  
Blinking, as if that could just make him disappear or something, I just did it. I forced my body out of its rigidity, slipped under the blanket and forgot how to breathe. For seconds I just laid there without breathing. Viktors arm almost lay on top of me for a short moment because he had held the bedcover up and... I could... feel... his warmth... beside me.

I laid together with Viktor Nikiforov under a blanket in the same bed. I was completely dead.

“So, now that we've made it, what's on your mind, Yuuri? Or did you just want to sleep with me?”  
From the corner of my eye I looked over to the source of this unbelievably sexy voice. He was laying on his side, his head supported by one of his hands under his chin and he looked interrogatively at me, still having this wonderful smile on his lips.

“I-I-I...”, I started not really ingenious at all and squinted my eyes. I couldn't do this. I just couldn't do this!

“I'm so afraid”, I whispered barely audible, more a breath than actual words.

“Afraid? Of what?”, Viktor replied similarly quiet beside me. God, his voice was so unbelievable. I was so damn in love with him. He was my freaking idol, my ideal, my goal, everything that I ever really desired. And he was here. He was here and was laying with me in the same bed under the same blanket. I could feel his warmth. I could... I could touch him if I only reached out a little.

“Of everything”, I managed to get out of my mouth. “Of-Of everything that isn't... isn't ice skating. I... I just don't know how...” How to speak. Ha, yeah, that I didn't know one bit at this moment. And breathing, how breathing worked I absolutely did not know one bit at this moment too.

“Why? What exactly makes you feel afraid?”, he further asked with such a calm, tender voice. So calm and tender that I managed to open my eyes up again. I looked at the ceiling, couldn't look at him, couldn't do this thing here yet... it was just too much. Way too much.

“I don't know”, I said quietly, way less stuttering than before. “I guess I'm quite a scaredy cat.” I laughed a bit. It somehow felt... good to say it out loud. Yeah... I think I never had said it to anyone that directly.

And now it was Viktor of all people. Of all people I told my idol that I was a scaredy cat. That was really... weird. Weirdly funny actually. I really didn't know what to think anymore.

“I believe that you are really brave, Yuuri. You just didn't really had the guts to be who you really are until now. You were afraid of yourself.” After these words I had to look at the man beside me and I almost had to laugh. What was he talking about?

“Sure”, I laughed.

“Hey, I'm your coach, you better take me seriously!”, he complained, but had to laugh himself.

We laughed together for a while and it helped, just as saying out loud that I was really afraid had. It... It was like breaking the ice. At least a little bit. I was still quite tense and insecure and nervous being close to him, but I felt a bit better, a bit less tense.

“Okay, I might not really know what I'm talking about, but Yuuri, the moment I saw this video... I just had to become your coach. You can do great things, believe me.” His smile was so encouraging and it warmed my heart, spread a warm feeling all around my chest. He... He... I felt myself tear up and hastily I hid my face behind my arm.

“Don't say it... just like... that. You don't... You don't know how...”, came it haltingly out of my mouth and I had to repress the sobbing while I swallowed the tears. I definitely didn't want to cry in front of him! It was already bad enough as it was!

I let my arm sink again and looked at him. The expression on his face still showed such... confidence. He didn't just say that offhandedly. He meant these words just now really really seriously. Of course, he wouldn't joke about something like this. He wouldn't be here just because of a joke. He war serious. He really was serious.

“I don't want to... I don't want to... disappoint you”, I explained. “I don't want you to... have come here for nothing.” My eyes slipped to his naked chest. Was he really naked? Ugh, not good thoughts for a moment like this. I was laying my fears open and at the same time I asked myself these inappropriate questions. Still... it was something that I had a right to be concerned about when we were laying together under the same blanket.

Quickly I looked back into his face. This was in every way better than imagining that... No. No, no, no. I wasn't even going to begin thinking about that! No!

“What are you talking about, Yuuri? Either way it was worth it already! Just to get to know you”, Viktor said and there was such an unmistakable honesty in his eyes, in the sound of every single word...

“You-You really wanna make me cry, don't you?”, I snuffled and wiped my wet eyes. This was so embarrassing. Viktor was just laughing. He didn't laugh at my tears or me in general. He laughed because of me and it was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard.

“I really wanna make you the winner of the Grand Prix finale”, he corrected me and the way he looked at me... I could only press my lips together and shake my head.

“So this is really happening? You are really... here? B-Because of me?” It was just getting worse and worse. It had been an absolutely stupid idea to come into his room. What had I been thinking!?

“Yuuri, are you even listening to me at all!?” He was laughing again. It was such a beautiful sound! “You will do great big things. I can see it when I look at you. So stop to doubt yourself so much and instead start to believe.” He really was so sure, so unbelievably sure.

That actually made my fear worse. But... after all it was Viktor saying this. THE Viktor! How... How could I not believe him? How could I doubt him just for one second?

“Start to believe?”, I asked a little bit irritated.

“Yes, start to believe”, he nodded with a pleased smile that seemed like he was happy about my understanding of what he meant. Understood, yes, I understood it, but to actually do it, to actually believe... that was a whole different thing. “Would you do that for me, Yuuri? Start to believe?”, he added on top of everything he had already said and his eyes looked somehow suppliant, like he was almost begging for it.

I couldn't get my eyes open widely enough and blink often enough to convince myself that Viktor Nikiforov was actually looking at me suppliant, yes, begging!

“O-Of course”, I answered quickly

“Ah come on, you can do it a bit more confident!”, he said and suddenly looked strict, like he sometimes did during training when I started to relent a bit.

“Of course!”, I repeated with a more confident voice.

“Even more!”, he insisted.

“Of course!” I almost screamed and now he smiled satisfied.

“You see? It's not that hard”, he said and seemed to actually think that this little bit of motivating was already enough. He had no idea how to be a coach, had he? I wanted to laugh again. This was so absurd.

“Thanks”, I finally managed to answer his smile with a smile myself. “Thanks for... everything.” Oh yes, for absolutely everything. He didn't know at all for how much, that everything actually meant everything.

“My pleasure! I hope that over time there will be more and more things that you can thank me for”, he replied arrogantly and I slightly shook my head again. Idiot. A really sweet idiot that by the way was also my idol and with whom I was still laying in the same bed.

Viktor yawned and turned around, feeling for something. “Let us sleep, okay? Good night, Yuuri.” And then the light was out and not even two seconds later Viktor began to slightly snore. W-What? Now he was just sleeping a-and I...!? What the...?!

I pressed my hands onto my face and shook my head repeatedly. How more crazy could all of this even get!?

After one last look at Viktor I slipped out from under the blanket, sneaked on tiptoes outside and back in my room I buried myself in my own bed. I was still full with adrenalin and really tingly and I felt so warm, my whole body was warm and especially my heart.

I had done it. I had confessed my fears to Viktor and during it I had also somehow found out why he was here. Because of me. He was really here because of me. Because he... saw something in me, something big and great. He. Saw. Something. Big. In. Me! Viktor saw something big in me, saw potential!

How had I even deserved this!? Just how could this be?!

For the next time I would not stop asking myself all these questions. No, there would even be added very different questions. Oh, there would be added a lot to all of this previous and present madness. A whole lot!

Especially more reality. It would all turn more and more into reality. And slowly my reality, that I had actually seen as kinda broken, would turn into a new, shining, hopeful reality like I could have never dreamed about.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! This chapter is a bit longer! :D I just wrote the german version of chapter 18... THAT is long. xD Buuut we're not there yet in this version, so yeah. But it will get even longer than this, I can promise that. xD  
> I hope you liked my own scene? ^-^ I love to imagine Viktor und Yuuri actually having this kind of conversations. :D And yeah, it's so cute how everything started between them. :D  
> Thanks for reading and I would be really happy about any kind of feedback. ^-^


End file.
